The Spam Tin Day 2: Better life, well-seasoned

Today's message comes from little Shauna Vigil. It upset me so much she made parts of me itch that I never knew could itch.

As usual my response is intertwined with her message. It reads:

• Your cre dit doesn't matter to us! If you OWN real est ate

My "cre dit" is none of your business, whether it matters to you or not. Erm, what's a "cre dit"? Is it the noise one of those psychedelic bufo toads make when you lick their backs?

• and want IMMEDIATEQ cash to spend ANY way you like

"IMMEDIATEQ" makes me think of BBQ and when i think of BBQ you'd better go and hide your meat.

Oh, and Shauna I'm really not liking this SHOUTING tone you're raining down on my ass.

• , or simply wish to LOWER

I'll "LOWER" you if you don't stop shouting.

• your monthly paym ents by a third or more, here are the dea ls we have TODAY

...final warning!

• (hurry, these ofers will expre TONIGHT):

A little bit like your soggy, sorry ass of a corpse after I've finished with you.

• $488,000.00 at a 3.67,% fixed-rate5
• $372,000.00 at a 3.90,% variable-rate6
• $492,000.00 at a 3.21,% interest-onlyS
• $248,000.00 at a 3.36,% fixed-rateH
• $198,000.00 at a 3.55,% variable-rate6

Wait a minute, that's an awful lot of money at a very reasonable rate, you just seem to have omitted the most basic fact of the period of term. I reckon if i picked the top amount I could just about have it paid back by the time I'm 192 years young.

I'd buy that for a dollar!

With the sales patter over little Shauna then went on to tell me a story, rather like little Bridgett Conner did yesterday. Maybe they had the same training...

• realized that they were trapped. The heat was increasing, over- whelming
• Where have you seen a good system? When have you ever seen me under a good

HOW EXCITING! A FIRE, A FIRE and a person looking for a good system...

• I wouldn't be giving it to anyone now, but as you see, my arms have gotten
• lower lip was split. But all in all, okay.
• that the dry grass was not rustling underfoot but squeaking like cornstarch,

Oooooh that cornstarch can chaff down below you know. I think I had an email somewhere about a cream...

• an abandoned construction site, yawned before them. It was covered with
• some game between some giants. It had not been carefully placed here, it had
• Watching him, Noonan remembered what had happened when Boyd's lab
• have been it as far as injuries.

Who IS this Noonan? He wasn't in the story before. You know I thought you we're an ok gal, but now you're obviously just making things up.

• Noonan's a fool: Redrick, Red, you violate the balance, you destroy the
• Now they were moving parallel to the embankment. Every step brought

Don't call Noonan a fool, his character's not been established enough for that kind of abuse. As for Redrick Red, well I'm starting to think this all smells of yesterday's shit.