Uncle's Rant

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Spam Tin Day 6: Day 5 The Sequel!

Hot from my mailbox is this little nugget from my dear old mate Tom Silva. He took the bait from yesterday and has at least responded but unfortunately not quite in the manner that I'd hoped for. It's all a little bit too generic you see. I shall endeavor to evoke a better response this time.

Take two:

  • Dear Friend,

    Thanks for your response to my email and your assurance that i can rely on you.

Tom. For you, anything. I feel we have now moved on to the brotherly stage and I know that it won't be long before I can nurtue you with my financial teat.

  • Please i will want you to understand my situation better, for now to say it in the short form it has been a very bitter tale, from the death of my father to the maltreatment i have been receiving from my relatives who have been envious of my parents because they were not well-to-do as my parents were, for that reason they are hostile at me.

Jealousy is at the root of all hostility. I never allow my roots to show and using techniques that are just for men I can keep them that way!

  • I am entrusting the only left hope into your care, the rest of my parents properties have been taken by my wicked uncle who is even seeking my life. My father put the money in a portfolio which is kept in a finance trust for safety this is my joy and reason to be alive since you can understand the life here is very hard.

I had a wicked uncle once who kept me locked in a tower until I had spun him a yarn of infinite testosterone. He hurt me deepr than you can imagine.

  • Before i give you details of the portfolio and the finance trust i will want to know more about you if you do not mind. Kindly tell me, what you do for a living, about your family, if you are married and how many children have you? This is just to know you better.

As I explained in my mail yesterday I own and operate many businesses, which I run under the cover of my day job which sees me packing fudge for Cadbury's. I have been married 3 times and I love all my wives very much. We all live together in a lovely big bungalow happily practicing the art of polygamy. Between us we have 11 children, many of which have an above average IQ. Willfred is probably the most special child due to his extremely happy nature which is surprising as he has a excessive amount of extra nipples located on his inner thigh. We love him just the same.

  • Well to give you more details i will first like to let you know that i have planned coming over to your country to settle down with this money for investment and as well further my education. The money right now as i write to you is in the finance trust where my father deposited it before his death. I am an orphan so i would want you to stand as guardian to safely get the portfolio claimed from the finance trust then after the portfolio has been claimed make arrangement for me to come over to meet you. The reason i need your help is because of the agreement my father had with the finance trust which is that the portfolio should be released to a foreigner as he planned using it for investment abroad, so i am not able to claim the portfolio without your assistant.

My assistant, Mr. Jingles is available for an extra fee. I can contact him if you like, maybe we could have a conference call together?

  • Kindly call me on the telephone +22508846869 so that we can discuss more, it is important that you call me upon receiving this mail.

I hear your urgency and I tried ringing the number a couple of times but unfortunately all I got was the speaking clock and the second time I tried I could smell a strong day-old deposit which made me feel rather queasy I'm afraid so I gave up.

Tom, I feel I must tell you my time on this world is drawing to an end and if I do not help you soon I really do think it will all be in vain.

Help me to help you.


Bram Davenport

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Spam Tin Day 5: Investment Funds

Super-spam week continues with a most fortuitous opportunity from little Tom Sliva. A golden opportunity indeed as he has even supplied an email address for me to respond to... results here hopefuly in a few days.

Here is my response to Tom.

Dear Tom,

I feel I must begin by thanking you warmly for this heart-felt email, for it is indeed not often I get moist on my cheeks from such a moving tale. Your problems have touched me in ways so unimaginable I can barely begin to comment but no matter how difficult I will try.

  • My name is Tom Sliva, I am 22 years old boy. I lost my parents and my only brother of 19 years to the war in my country. I am lucky that I was taken to this country Cote d'Ivoire by some good sameritans who have families here in Ivory coast.

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I too have visited the Ivory Coast recently on a hunting trip for the tusks of a mammalian sperm otter. Those little rascals sure are truly hard to catch and if you don't handle them using a Bavarian leatherette monkey sock you run the risk of snapping of their little erdections completely!

  • I am from sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast west Africa now, I would like to appeal to you confidentialy to assist me concerning my late father's deposit in a (security firm) Financial Institution here in Abidjan of $10,000,000 ( Ten million USD) I want to move out of here because the crisis that started here for years now is still on, and there is no sign that it will end soon. Also my condition in this country is not condusive for me.
Tom, you seem to have missed out which security firm this deposit is with, suggesting instead an angular generalization on your text ? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks for me as the kind of money you are pontificating about can be easily passed through my horse gonad recycling firm within a working day.

  • Can I trust you to help me retrieve the treasure from the (security firm) Financial Institution as my (foriegn partner) foreign business associate and also provide a place for me to stay in your country? Can I also trust you to safe keep this fund and also help me invest this fund in a profitable business in your country when this money get to you?
You can indeed trust me Tom, when it comes to finding treasure I am your man. I once completed the great Constantinople treasure hunt in less than 12 parsecs!

I run a number of different businesses so it would be easy for me to invest your money wisely within one of them. In terms of capital return I would heartily recommend my chutney ferret packing service as the annual retention has to be seen to be believed! Or if you would rather invest in a charity I can vouch for the Queen's own "Bidets for Midgets" scheme.

  • If you are willing to help me please indicate in your next mail.

I am willing most able to help, in fact I consider it my duty.

  • I will discuss with you some details, Let me know also from you what will you deduct from the total money after the funds is transfer to you
My handling charge would be somewhere in the region of $69.95 as I can claim no more due to the hard-nosed tax men we have over here.

  • Do please furnish me with the information below for easy processing of the transfer;
  • Your contact Telephone number..........
  • Contact address..............
Unfortunately I cannot give out such details upon first contact. A response to this mail would guarantee to me your honesty and sincerity, which would then mean we can progress to second base.

  • God bless you.
And you Tom Sliva, and all who sail in you.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Faithfuly

Bram Davenport

P.S. do you smell something around a day old?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Spam Tin Day 4: Double bill, overboard calamity!

Today in The Spam Tin we have a 2-up special! Both Francois Veillon and Luisa Vangelder felt they really must tell me about the same hot offer.

It's a super special day too in that the cheeky little winkle-pickers both sent me a lovely image featuring their offer:

Tut, tut Luisa

Francois, you naughty sprite.

Dear Francois and Luisa,

I fear you have both copied your work from some other unsuspecting spammer and passed it onto me as your own. Even worse you couldn't be bothered to type up your scam and instead chose to scan in your spam. It really is the laziest, sloppiest work I've seen within the many hundreds of emails I've recieved...today.

If you continue along this track I shall be forced to use my cane and beat seven shades of yesterday's shit out of you.


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Spam Tin Day 3: Apologies but here it is

Today's spam comes from little Benito.

Dear Benito, before you begin I'd just like to say that your subject line "Apologies but here it is" is a little backwards in coming forward. Don't apologize for something I haven't even read yet, you could put off many potential clients by dropping the seed of doubt into their minds that what you've sent out is actually a pile of old shit before you've even begun.

Moving past the subject line he writes:

  • Take delivery of a substantial cut on your pills safe characters, prime quality.

I hear "safe characters" are all the rage, do you have any in bondite blue?

  • whopping range, including backbreaking to find drugs 0 prior doctors approval indispensable.

I'm not sure about breaking any backs to fill my cracks. Are these drugs particularly heavy? Or maybe you sell in such large quantities that everytime you ship a load out of your Columbian sweatshop you snap a few vertebrae getting them onto the fleece-wagons.

  • Here I am, on a cannibal island, hundreds of miles from civilization, with no way to get back, he reflected Now it's blue, complained the horse

Oh Benito, you were doing so well. So well in fact you almost had me sold. Then like everybody else you went off tangent with a silly non sequitur. This horse, is he a bondite blue?

These cannibals do they smell of the shit they excreted yesterday, much like your mail?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Spam Tin Day 2: Better life, well-seasoned

Today's message comes from little Shauna Vigil. It upset me so much she made parts of me itch that I never knew could itch.

As usual my response is intertwined with her message. It reads:

  • Your cre dit doesn't matter to us! If you OWN real est ate

My "cre dit" is none of your business, whether it matters to you or not. Erm, what's a "cre dit"? Is it the noise one of those psychedelic bufo toads make when you lick their backs?

  • and want IMMEDIATEQ cash to spend ANY way you like

"IMMEDIATEQ" makes me think of BBQ and when i think of BBQ you'd better go and hide your meat.

Oh, and Shauna I'm really not liking this SHOUTING tone you're raining down on my ass.

  • , or simply wish to LOWER

I'll "LOWER" you if you don't stop shouting.

  • your monthly paym ents by a third or more, here are the dea ls we have TODAY

...final warning!

  • (hurry, these ofers will expre TONIGHT):

A little bit like your soggy, sorry ass of a corpse after I've finished with you.

  • $488,000.00 at a 3.67,% fixed-rate5
  • $372,000.00 at a 3.90,% variable-rate6
  • $492,000.00 at a 3.21,% interest-onlyS
  • $248,000.00 at a 3.36,% fixed-rateH
  • $198,000.00 at a 3.55,% variable-rate6

Wait a minute, that's an awful lot of money at a very reasonable rate, you just seem to have omitted the most basic fact of the period of term. I reckon if i picked the top amount I could just about have it paid back by the time I'm 192 years young.

I'd buy that for a dollar!

With the sales patter over little Shauna then went on to tell me a story, rather like little Bridgett Conner did yesterday. Maybe they had the same training...

  • realized that they were trapped. The heat was increasing, over- whelming
  • Where have you seen a good system? When have you ever seen me under a good

HOW EXCITING! A FIRE, A FIRE and a person looking for a good system...

  • I wouldn't be giving it to anyone now, but as you see, my arms have gotten
  • lower lip was split. But all in all, okay.
  • that the dry grass was not rustling underfoot but squeaking like cornstarch,

Oooooh that cornstarch can chaff down below you know. I think I had an email somewhere about a cream...

  • an abandoned construction site, yawned before them. It was covered with
  • some game between some giants. It had not been carefully placed here, it had
  • Watching him, Noonan remembered what had happened when Boyd's lab
  • have been it as far as injuries.

Who IS this Noonan? He wasn't in the story before. You know I thought you we're an ok gal, but now you're obviously just making things up.

  • Noonan's a fool: Redrick, Red, you violate the balance, you destroy the
  • Now they were moving parallel to the embankment. Every step brought

Don't call Noonan a fool, his character's not been established enough for that kind of abuse. As for Redrick Red, well I'm starting to think this all smells of yesterday's shit.

The Spam Tin Day 1: Your future, nut rush

Todays spam comes from little Bridgett Conner. It reads:

  • Even if you have no erectin problems SOFT CIA5LIS would help you to make BETTER SE6X MORE OFTEN! and to bring unimagnable plesure to her.

Well Bridgett that's very interesting, and even though I must admit to not having "erectin" problems, mainly because I do not know what an "erectin" is I really must say I would be intrigued to find out how to bring "unimaginable pleasure to her", whoever she may be... maybe she is you. Grrrrrrrrr.

  • Just disolve half a pil under your tongue and get ready for action in 15 minutes.

This "pil", does it go under my tongue before or after I brush my teeth?

  • The tests showed that the majority of men after taking this medic ation were able to have PERFECT ERDECTION during 36 hours!

Is "medic ation" like dedi-cation, you know like Roy Castle used to sing about at the end of that show? 36 hours of "PERFECT ERDECTION" could be a little long for me and I don't really like Steven Seagal movies, particularly not at that length.


You really should get your copy checked before spamming so many people. Did you know 40% of all internet sales are lost due to bad spelling and grammer leading to buyer confusion? If you learn nothing else today, learn how to use a spell checker.

Finished with the sales schpiel, Bridgett then goes on to try to build some rapport with her customer by telling me a story...

  • =========and one day they will see what you see. Forgive them, and help them to that the rescue squad had climbed into their helicopter, the firemen were Arkady and Boris Strugatsky Translated from Russian by Antonina W. and started explaining his graviconcentrate phenomenon to me--that is, the The clouds broke apart, his escorts called, "Happy landings, year. I'd been with him from the start, but I still wasn't quite sure what "... thousands and thousands of gulls. I know. " Sullivan shook his like a snap. Just throw the nut and be on with it.

Hmmm. I'm struggling to follow you here Bridget. Let me just recap. There's a rescue squad, a couple of firemen, a Russian translator and thousands and thousands of gulls... are you talking about that Steven Seagal flick again? When you say "Just throw the nut and be on with it", I really couldn't agree with you more.

Dearest Bridgett, I thank you for your offer and as tempting as it may be I really do think it smells of yesterday's shit.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Spam Tin

My colleague Tim Clague and I have noticed a real upsurge recently in the amount of spam mail we are recieving. This is particularly surprising to us as we recently had a wonderful new spam filter installed at work which does a wonderful job of missing all the spam and trapping any mails I try and send in its tiny little crab net.

Spam is getting more clever you see, subject lines are created in some random word generator, content is for the most part spelt in bizarre ways and in many cases the whole mail can be just a huge image.

Tim said he thought it would be great if someone out there responded to the spammers like you would respond to any email of interest. So for one week only I have taken it upon myself to do verbal battle with these spammers right here on this blog! Each day I shall pick my favourite spam mail, found loitering in my inbox when I get to work and respond to it in a way only a gentleman would.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you - The Spam Tin.

Feel free to leave your own wonderful examples right here on this blog.

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